Sometimes, I just shake my head at myself because I can be so wishy-washy. My family jokes all the time about how when I was little, I'd say "well, I DID do that, but I DIDN'T to that.. but I DID do that." And I STILL do that today. All the time.
Which brings me to:
My Ideals and Dreams.
I have grown up with certain dreams and ideas about things. Some of them were influenced by my parents, some by my friends, some by Jane Austen, and some by just me.
I confess that I have a bit of a stubborn streak, and so it's really been no problem for me to grow up saying: "This is how I want/need it to be, so God, make it that way, and I'll wait till it is." And honestly, that's how my life works much of the time. And I'm happy with that.
Mostly.
This move has put me in a very isolated, completely lonely place from anyone who shares what I believe in the most. And so I think that I'm finally in that place in my life where it's really and truly just me and Him. That's it. And sometimes it feels like it's just me.
It's interesting to look at myself as just me. Who I am, how I work, what I do, why I do it. And I realize that I have fear, here. It's very uncomfortable to stick out. Always before, I didn't mind sticking out a little bit, but here, my heart beliefs stick out like an oak in a petunia garden. My fear is an odd revelation, one I'm still trying to understand fully.... I was recently reading the story of Nehemiah, and it's so inspiring. Don't you want to live that way? Bold and full of courage? Doesn't your heart soar when you read stories of epic heroes and honor and truth and beauty? I do want to live that way. I should want to stick out, and I shouldn't mind it so much because, like I said before, I did ask for it. That gives me hope and renews my inspiration while I learn to battle my insecurities and less-than-perfect self.
I do have a sort of pride in God, and what He's done, and what we're doing together. Part of me is even daring enough to think: "Oh yeah? You think I'm weird? Well, just sit back and watch, 'cause it's gonna be amazing."
My life is going to be great. I have no idea what it's going to be after I'm done schooling here, but I just know that it's going to be great. If I'm selling worms in a bait shop and singin' pirate songs to the fishermen, it will be great. If I'm on the MET stage, it will be great. If I'm not married when I'm 40 (which I hope is not the case, but still) it will be great. I know it will be, even when I'm stressed and frightened and just need a hug; I don't always feel it, but I still know it.
So here I am:
I have fear.
I do, but I don't, but I do.
I'm insecure.
I am, but I'm not, but I am.
I'm lonely.
I am, but I'm not, but I am.
I'm loved.
I am, and I am, and I am.
"You make everything Glorious, and I am Yours. So what does that make Me?"
I love you! You are so strong- you are, but you aren't, but you are! You know, when I first met Chason and he told me about his wonderful sisters and how they could both win beauty contests but they were way to cool for that- one thing he said about you was, "Annie- she has her head on straight. She is going places. She is friendly and outgoing, but she doesn't care what people think. She doesn't change for anyone, but everyone loves her." And that holds so true- even now, nearly 8 years later. Your strength isn't because of your stubbornness, it is because of your character. So even when you feel afraid, or insecure, or lonely, you don't change who you are to fit in. So you will always stand out. Sometimes other people will be around to stand with you, and sometime you may be the only one standing. And if you are, you may have to answer questions and make explanations, but you won't sit down- it is not in your character. And we love you for it. So don't be afraid to stick out, because like you said, "it's gonna be amazing!"
ReplyDeleteAnnie, You are amazing and a constant inspiration to me. I am soooo proud of you. I am reminded of that wedding I took you to when you were maybe not quite two and I bribed you the whole time with everything I could think of to keep you distracted from crying when the beautiful music played. So, as I read your lovely blog and the Gaither's were singing the beautiful shepherd song I now have tears streaming. Who could resist? I love you and You are glorious, but you are glorious, but you ARE glorious...Mom
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