Ideals and Dreams.

Sometimes, I just shake my head at myself because I can be so wishy-washy. My family jokes all the time about how when I was little, I'd say "well, I DID do that, but I DIDN'T to that.. but I DID do that." And I STILL do that today. All the time.

Which brings me to:

My Ideals and Dreams.

I have grown up with certain dreams and ideas about things. Some of them were influenced by my parents, some by my friends, some by Jane Austen, and some by just me.

I confess that I have a bit of a stubborn streak, and so it's really been no problem for me to grow up saying: "This is how I want/need it to be, so God, make it that way, and I'll wait till it is." And honestly, that's how my life works much of the time. And I'm happy with that.

Mostly.

This move has put me in a very isolated, completely lonely place from anyone who shares what I believe in the most. And so I think that I'm finally in that place in my life where it's really and truly just me and Him. That's it. And sometimes it feels like it's just me.

It's interesting to look at myself as just me. Who I am, how I work, what I do, why I do it. And I realize that I have fear, here. It's very uncomfortable to stick out. Always before, I didn't mind sticking out a little bit, but here, my heart beliefs stick out like an oak in a petunia garden. My fear is an odd revelation, one I'm still trying to understand fully.... I was recently reading the story of Nehemiah, and it's so inspiring. Don't you want to live that way? Bold and full of courage? Doesn't your heart soar when you read stories of epic heroes and honor and truth and beauty? I do want to live that way. I should want to stick out, and I shouldn't mind it so much because, like I said before, I did ask for it. That gives me hope and renews my inspiration while I learn to battle my insecurities and less-than-perfect self.

I do have a sort of pride in God, and what He's done, and what we're doing together. Part of me is even daring enough to think: "Oh yeah? You think I'm weird? Well, just sit back and watch, 'cause it's gonna be amazing."

My life is going to be great. I have no idea what it's going to be after I'm done schooling here, but I just know that it's going to be great. If I'm selling worms in a bait shop and singin' pirate songs to the fishermen, it will be great. If I'm on the MET stage, it will be great. If I'm not married when I'm 40 (which I hope is not the case, but still) it will be great. I know it will be, even when I'm stressed and frightened and just need a hug; I don't always feel it, but I still know it.

So here I am:

I have fear.

I do, but I don't, but I do.

I'm insecure.

I am, but I'm not, but I am.

I'm lonely.

I am, but I'm not, but I am.

I'm loved.

I am, and I am, and I am.

"You make everything Glorious, and I am Yours. So what does that make Me?"

GROSS!

So I have a big mid-term tomorrow

and decided to go to bed early.

(11 p.m. is now early to me)

I dangled my hand off the bed and thought:

"Oh, did I bring in a flower

and leave it on the floor?"

And then it moved.

I was petting a roach.

EW!

SICK OUT!

TOTALLY NASTY!

And on top of that,

there was NO bug boy here

to take care of it for me!

So I had to do the deed myself.

I whacked it good, but it was still moving...

and I know I looked ridiculous

trying to slide it onto my dustpan

in order to flush it.

I saluted it on the way down to it's

watery grave.

Blech.

So now I can't sleep.

Imagine that.

(It could have crawled on my in my sleep!!)

...

So I guess I'll update you on my recent goings-on.

My Px5 is still going strong.

Like I mentioned before,

I've had p l e n t y

of tests to prepare for

that have kept me plenty busy.

Still, I've managed to get some good,

quality time with friends,

and also a little work done in my appy.

On Saturday,

I awoke to this sight.

A tarp over my window with red tape saying:

CAUTION LEAD HAZARD

Needless to say, I checked with the

landlord to make sure I wasn't dying without

my knowledge.

I'm not.

They were just repainting.

I have been getting a little more done

in my appy,

like a little more painting on my wall design,

and hanging pictures!

PLUS, I had my first real dinner party!

It was fun!

I love having people over

:)

I even got some flowers at the store.

They're so cheery.

They make my day so much happier.

Okay, well, I guess I'd better TRY and get some sleep.

God, PLEASE don't let bugs crawl on me in my sleep!

Amen.

And Amen.

Px5, Days 1-3

Ok. So this whole "Px5," as I'm calling it (see previous entry), is as difficult as I thought it might be. I have tried to use every minute doing something really meaningful, instead of poking around, wasting time online, or sitting with friends not doing anything... Of course, some sitting around not doing anything is wonderful, but I'm focusing on filling up every spare thought and seeing how much I'll get done in the 40 day allotment of time.

Here's what I've managed to get done these past 3 days:

Friday: I made my "Activity Wall!" Ah, organization...

During: What a mess!

After: All neat and ready to keep my life organized.

I painted the girl singing, and I also painted the bulletin board, the picture frames, and the light switch case; I also made little tags to keep my odds and ends neat :)

I'm in the process of framing this other painting of mine:

(It's an opera house, in case you can't tell...)

I had to work Friday night (Security Patrol), so I had 5 hours to get studying done for an upcoming class presentation I'll be giving on some of Gorecki's music (great composer by the way). My friend, Michael, is helping the opera dept. with props for the "Opera Potpourri" program tomorrow night, so I offered to help him make 'old-fashioned' paper, by dunking a sheet of paper in tea, so I did that once I got home! Pretty productive day, I'll say!

Saturday:

I slept in, which is DEFINITELY on my list of productive things to do. Gotta keep my body healthy in all this cold weather, you know...

Once I dragged myself away from sweet slumber, I volunteered at the gorgeous church across the street, helping to set up for their Halloween Night Party. While I'm a little torn by endorsing skeletons, bloody hands and masks, and ghoulie things, it's just a something I could do to help out.

THEN I went home. Fortunately, I have mid terms all this week and next, to I have p l e n t y of homework and studying to keep my extra moments quite busy. Here are some examples:

In my Operas of Mozart class, we have a test over "Le Nozze di Figaro" (The Marriage of Figaro), where we have to know every song, Title, who's singing it, and what it's about, memorized for our Tuesday exam.

Also on Tuesday, at bright and shining 8 am, I have my Theory Mid-Term. This, out of everything, I'm least bothered about, but still going to study for it:

ALSO on Tuesday, I have a pre-Mid-Term Music History test, so I'm madly trying to commit to memory all the below tabbed songs, along with all the other facts about music from Antiquity through Baroque.... wish me luck...

Tomorrow, in my Contemporary Vocal Literature class, the professor gave out pieces for us to look at, not really for perfection, but to try. Most definitely outside of my singing comfort zone, but I'll try anything at least once. So let me explain it:

First, I have to look at the top of the page, where each measure is given an emotional direction.

Then I look at each measure, and try an put the emotion with each. Notice that the emotion will change with the bar line, and therefore in the middle of a word.

And finally, the bottom of the page is the written instructions from the composer on how he meant for the song to be performed. All in French. Fortunately, I speak french, so I only had to look up a few words. I'm proud of me.

And here's how it looks, all together! Wild, huh?! Definitely not Mozart.

And lastly, last night, my church had a "Progressive Dinner," where each course is served at a different person's house. I took a friend and we met all my church friends and enjoyed traipsing around the Mount Vernon area, eating good food, and having some nice conversation. It was nice, because I met so many new people last night, that it was easy to get re-acquainted this morning at church!

All in all, a very nice 3 days. And really, I'm lucky for the next week because I have so much studying to do, that filling my time shouldn't be too difficult! But I'll let you know how that goes ;)

One thing I WILL be doing, is buying groceries, because this is just plain sad:

Un bel automne, mes amies!

Today's Font: Krungthep

Peer Pressure and Persistence Purpose Project

So it seems to me that everyone

(including the gal from Julie and Julia)

is doing project countdowns

for their blogs or just in general.

Well, I have some more time on my hands

than I planned to have this semester,

so there's only one thing to do.

I'm giving in.

I'm doing a Countdown, too.

For the next 40 days,

I am going to try and fill each minute of my time

with purpose.

I started a To-Do List yesterday

and it's already longer than my face.

And I have somewhat-small handwriting.

Some of my projects are:

~Finishing my painting

~Making my life-organizer wall

~Giving myself a mani/pedi

~Studying hard for my upcoming exams/tests/projects

~ Spending quality time with friends

~Making my bathroom squeaky clean

~Organizing my jewelry

~Grocery shopping so I won't starve after the Ramen is gone

~Taking more pictures

~Writing more letters

~Reading through my book stack.

~ Practicing 6 days/wk for at least 1.5 hrs/day

~Planning/setting my recital

~Making my audition CD

~Preparing my Pre-Thanksgiving party.

~Making a budget!

Things of that nature.

So.

It all begins tomorrow,

and I will keep you updated

as to how it's going.

Feel free to ask me,

just to keep me on my toes.

P.S. I'm also going to only write

using fonts with weird names.

"Is for fun."

Today's Font: BiauKai

:)

Tally-ho!

Midnight Musings

Eyes= Sleepy.

Brain= Not so much sleepy.

Solution= Blog.

Here are some things I'm thinking about while I can't sleep:

DON'T you hate it when you're wearing a shirt that buttons up the front,

and when you take it off, you forget to undo the buttons,

so you're standing half dressed with your shirt inside-out over your head

and you can't get your head out until you undo the buttons,

and you're really glad (at least I am) that there's no one around

to participate in your stupid moment,

except for the fact that you put in on your blog

so now the whole world can have the stupid moment with you?

IS IT incredibly nerdy that I was really excited about

buying a German/English Dictionary yesterday?

I was.

It's a hardback, professional-looking book.

I like it.

I TOTALLY judge books by their covers.

And sometimes their interiors, too.

You can give me the most boring book on earth,

but if the cover and inside are pretty and well put-together,

I will love reading it.

THIS evening,

there was a very scary family incident

that required me to wear this:

The situation, most thankfully,

turned out alright, although I feel a little on-edge still,

which is probably contributing to my inability to sleep.

But really, sometimes,

things happen so quickly and can completely change your life...

I guess it's good to have a darn good scary moment

here and there in life to keep me really

believing in What I hold on to all the time...

YOU know,

sometimes,

I have a hard time deciding just how much of

my personal (mostly meaning cyber-personal)

life and beliefs I should make public.

But, as a sleep-deprived mind will sometimes prompt one to do,

I will tell you something about me that I don't often post in public forums.

I love believing in God.

I love loving Him.

He gives me His love that is so sweet and so constant,

when I am so horribly flawed and fickle towards Him sometimes.

He puts all shapes and colors of clouds in the sky everyday,

just because He knows I love to look at them.

He makes leaves change colors with seasons,

to remind me of time,

and to make me thankful for the present.

He makes fall just so I can love to scuff through fallen leaves,

and kick around the acorns on the sidewalk,

and smell the crisp, cool air that reminds me

of past holidays and soccer seasons.

He makes the birds sing songs that

caress my heart as I walk around the noisy city.

He makes the sky turn all shades of blue throughout the day,

just because they're all my favorite.

He makes the sky grey and cold so that I can love

cozying up in sweaters and scarves and sipping hot drinks by warm fires,

and so that I'll be even more thankful for the brightness of the sun when it returns.

He gave words power so that poetry and stories would touch my heart,

and to cause me to be careful of the words I use,

that I might speak power and hope when I open my mouth.

He reminds me of how faithful a friend He is to me,

when I feel like I haven't got any others near.

He gives me music that is a 'whole nuther' language that we can sing together.

He gave me my family so that I will always know that no matter where I go,

or what career I might have,

or how lonely, exciting, daunting, and marvelous my future will be,

they will always be there-

happy to skype with me,

happy to have me come home again,

interested in what I've learned and experienced,

ready to sit and chat about anything and everything,

and giving me so much love

that my heart is full to hurting with its memory

and makes me love them all even more for it.

Not everyone is blessed with a family like mine,

but He made sure that I had them,

and that makes me love Him even more.

Just a little listen...

So sometimes I'm on my blogpage intending to visit one of the sites on my blogroll, but I get really distracted by all the fun music I've put on my little blog radio thingy, and I just leave it on the music and don't get any visiting done.

That's all.